I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
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“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.