pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
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Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
dutch is not a serious language
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Based Erika
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”