[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
LA today:
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.