I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Challenge accepted.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…