I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
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True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow