Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
look scared
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I don’t make the rules sorry
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲