Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
You Might Also Like
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.