Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.