My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.