Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time