A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target