Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
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What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.