“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
If I ignore life will it go away?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.