Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.