Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!