Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?