All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
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When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.