If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.