Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You Might Also Like
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.