“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
In banana years, I am bread.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’