A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
pls suprot
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.