Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
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giddy up Office Depot
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing