My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
This is Sparta
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?