elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.