*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.