Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no