When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
goldfish mafia
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.