If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Awwwww shit.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question