Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Check your privilege