I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
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WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19