Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
You Might Also Like
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist