count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
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*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭