I feel seen.
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Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[eulogy]
line?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
This might be me.
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