Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
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Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
got so much cardio in today
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what