I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Generation gap…
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
accurate
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.