5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
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Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.