I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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How all things should be taught/explained.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids