Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Twitter fine art
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time