School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
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I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.