I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
that lip filler tho
I’m a carb girl, born and bread