Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
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Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I thought this was funny lol
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.