That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.