Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
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If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
They’re called werewolves.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.