That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
no such thing as a dumb question
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.