If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
You Might Also Like
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
good work, everybody
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.