I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Canada has crack?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
it is time once again
Lmfaoooooo
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?