When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
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A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.