I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
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me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.