[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars