i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
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Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad